You only live twice
by Dutchie15
Summary: And I realized that instant I'd been wrong. I'd lost my job, but not my life. I thought my job was my life, but as many, many times before, I forgot to think logically. [CaRWash]


**Disclaimer: They're not mine, cause then the season premiere would've been a lot better.  
Title: You only live twice.  
Author: Dutchie.  
Summary: And I realized that instant I'd been wrong. I'd lost my job, but not my life. I thought my job was my life, but as many, many times before, I forgot to think logically. (CaRWash)**  
**A/N: Song is 'Tired of being sorry' from Enrique Iglesias and it fits perfectly with end season 5 CaRWash.  
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**You only live twice.**

I didn't know what I was doing. Hell, I still don't know what I was doing. What was I thinking to achieve? Save the lab's credibility, that's what I said. _"I did it to protect all the people in this lab."_ Yeah, right. Like that was gonna stop Stetler from firing me. I had it coming. It was all my fault. I deserve every piece of what I got. And I got it good. I was fired, lost my job, my life. I screwed up. I just had to go and ruin everything I'd worked so hard for. What kind of an idiot am I? I had already used too many chances. Did too many stupid things. Wrecked too much of my life. I was a complete failure. A complete idiot. An idiot, a fool…name it all, I was it.

* * *

I don't know why  
You want to follow me tonight  
When in the rest of the world  
With you whom I've crossed and I've quarreled  
Let's me down so  
For a thousand reasons that I know  
To share forever the unrest  
With all the demons I possess  
Beneath the silver moon

* * *

And still…still she asked me to wait up. To wait for her. The tone in her voice was cold, distant…but she asked me to wait for her. The woman who I thought had lost all respect for me, all belief in me. She probably had. But I waited for her anyway. Because no matter what she wanted to say, to do, it couldn't possibly be worse than my current situation. She came up to me. Looked at me. Sighed. Probably thinking of something to say to me that wouldn't come out bitchy. It must've been hard for her. 

"Thanks for waiting." She finally spoke.  
"You're welcome."  
"I want you to come to my place."  
"Excuse me?"  
"I want an explanation. I've gone without one for a while but I can't. So I want an explanation."  
"At your place?"  
"Someone once told me that when people are in their comfort zone, they feel confident enough to lie."  
"And you want to make sure I don't lie to you."  
"Yes."  
"You know I'd never lie to you."

She shot me a look and I remembered. _"I promise you Cal, I will never, ever, gamble again for the rest of my life. I've learned my lesson. Believe me. Please." _Damn. I lied to her. I lied to…God I lied to her.

"I…Alright. Alright, I'll come. Your car or mine?"  
"Mine."

* * *

Maybe you were right  
But baby I was lonely  
I don't want to fight  
I'm tired of being sorry

* * *

She drove, naturally. I sat and kept my mouth shut. Didn't know what to say anyway. I stared at her; she stared at the road in front of her. I cleared my throat, but she kept on staring at the road. I didn't blame her. I could never blame her for anything. I thought about starting a conversation, but I knew she didn't want me to talk. Yet. She wanted me to talk after she had. So I sat and kept my mouth shut. I thought about what I was going to say when she did let me speak. Thought of a thousand ways to tell her why I lied to her. Thought of a million ways to tell her I was sorry and I never meant to hurt her. But I knew that no matter what I would tell her, it would never be good enough. Because she'd warned me. She'd tried to save me, but I ignored her and now I lost my job, my life. If only there was a way to make it all up to her. To make sure she knows I never meant to do it. If only there was a way to make her believe in me again.

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8th and Ocean Drive  
With all the vampires and their brides  
We're all bloodless and blind  
And longing for a life  
Beyond the silver moon

* * *

She stopped the car abruptly. I didn't think we'd be there yet. I hadn't been to her place in a long time; I'd forgotten it wasn't that far away from the lab. She got out. I hurried after her because I was afraid that if I waited too long, she would simply lock the car with me in it. And enjoy it too. I caught up with her when she opened the door to her condo and stepped in. I followed quietly and looked around. She had changed her home. The colors were different…dark and warm. Inviting. I was still looking around when my eyes rested on her, arms crossed, tears in her eyes, hair loose…wait, tears in her eyes? No, no, wait. Why did she…I thought she… 

"Cal? Are you…?"

* * *

Maybe you were right  
But baby I was lonely  
I don't want to fight  
I'm tired of being sorry  
I'm standing in the street  
Crying out for you  
No one sees me  
But the silver moon

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"What in the world's name were you thinking?" 

What in the world's name was I thinking? Yes, what **was** I thinking? It was the right question, because it's the only one that I couldn't answer myself honestly. But I didn't want to lie to her. Not again.

"I wasn't. That's…the whole problem. I wasn't thinking. And if I was thinking anything at all, I was thinking that I wouldn't hurt anyone, that it wouldn't matter. I made sure I didn't break any laws. But I didn't think…about anything else. My frien…colleagues' feelings. The effect it would have on my job…And I certainly didn't think that it would ever get this far. I didn't think that it would cause me to become a lying…jobless…selfish bastard. But it did. So…I just…I just didn't think at all."

"But then why? How could you be so stupid? You're not a stupid person. You have a working set of brain cells that I thought you were able to use! Why didn't listen to anything I told you? Am I that worthless to you?"  
"No, NO! Don't you ever think this was about you! Don't believe that I did it to not listen to you. I listened to you, Calleigh, I did, and I understood, and I promised…and I broke that promise, I know. I'm an idiot. But I cannot tell you why. I want to, I just…can't. I can't even explain it to myself."  
"Well you better damn try, Ryan Wolfe, because I've gone through the past week thinking about what I ever did wrong."  
"Why are you blaming yourself for this? I gambled. I screwed up. I brought everyone into this mess. What makes you think you had anything to do with it? You didn't. It was all me."  
"No. It has never been just you."

* * *

So far away, so outer space  
I've trashed myself, I've lost my way  
I've got to get to you  
Got to get to you

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"It's neve…what do you mean?"  
"Somehow I get involved in everything you do, Ryan. Either I'm the cause of it, or I talk to you about it…this time I'm the victim of it."  
"I didn't mean for you to be."  
"That's a little late now, isn't it? It's already happened. And I don't care that you didn't listen to me, I don't care about you breaking your promise. But I do care about every time I walk through the lab, expecting you to break out of a room, joking with me, or complimenting me, or just…smiling at me. I do care about that because it's driving me crazy. I miss you, Ryan. I miss you, and I can't believe you're not my partner anymore. Because I trained you, I put so much effort into making you believe in yourself. And you never did, even though I kept telling you you could do it. And now you did it. You believed in yourself, you believed yourself when you said gambling couldn't hurt you and look…here we are now." 

Oh boy she's so right. She nailed right on top. She knows exactly what happened. What's happening. She knows.

* * *

Maybe you were right  
But baby I was lonely  
I don't want to fight  
I'm tired of being sorry  
I'm standing in the street  
Crying out for you  
No one sees me  
But the silver moon

* * *

"You're right."  
"What?"  
"You're right. What you just said…it's true. I believed my own lies. And it's made me into a jerk. But it has not made me into a fool. So right now, this jerk is gonna act on his feelings, his heart for once in his life, instead of using his brains that seem to have a little dead spot somewhere." 

She held her breath and I had the feeling so did I.

"Calleigh, I won't deny that I have been incredibly stupid, selfish, you name it, honestly. I have been. And I know that saying sorry doesn't solve the situation for me. It never has and never will. So I won't say sorry. I do apologize. Just not by saying sorry. And…right now I'm really hoping that I've interpreted you right. But if I didn't…well…I already am an idiot…so being a bastard couldn't really make it much worse."  
"Where are you going?"  
"I…am not going anywhere." God I sound like Horatio. "I'm staying right here. With you."

I swallowed. Stepped forward. Brought my hands up to her face…I can't really remember what I did after that. Well, beside the fact that I kissed her. And she kissed me back.

And I realized that instant I'd been wrong. I'd lost my job, but not my life. I thought my job was my life, but as many, many times before, I forgot to think logically. My job wasn't my life. She was. She is. She always will be.

Our kiss grew more passionate, and our hands grew more courageous. And for the first time in a long, long period I knew what was going to happen. And I knew the consequences. And I knew all the reasons why we shouldn't. But I chose to believe, not in myself, but in her. And I let her lead me down the hall, through an open door, onto a perfectly made up bed. And I knew that in the morning, I'd still be an idiot. But a very content idiot, with a huge grin plastered on his face.

* * *

Maybe you were right  
But baby I was lonely  
I don't want to fight  
I'm tired of being sorry  
I'm standing in the street  
Crying out for you  
No one sees me  
But the silver moon

* * *

They say cats have nine lives. And when I woke up the next morning, in a bed that wasn't mine, with her in my arms, I knew I had at least two. My first life was filled with mistakes and wrong choices, but it was done, it was over. My new life had begun the minute I opened my eyes that morning and I was destined to make it the best life a person could ever have. And I was destined to spend every second I could with her. Because she gave me a second chance at life, and I will never be able to thank her enough for it.

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A/N: Please leave me a review! I'm trying to keep the CaRWash love alive!_


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